Many women believe that polygyny makes women unhappy. That in polygyny, happiness is only for men, and women are victims and only suffer from it.
In reality, this is not the case.
Allah says in the Quran:
مَا أَنْزَلْنَا عَلَيْكَ الْقُرْآنَ لِتَشْقَىٰ
We have not revealed the Quran to you ˹O Prophet˺ to cause you distress (20:2)
The thing is, we’re not unhappy because of polygyny, but because we were raised to be unhappy. At the level of neural connections, we’ve learned to react to such a phenomenon (another woman in a husband’s life) with unhappiness. We weren’t taught another reaction. If, from childhood, we saw that all women suffer when they receive flowers as a gift from their husband, including our mothers, then it would become ingrained in our minds that receiving flowers is “BAD.” If all women (in movies and in real life), upon receiving flowers, started crying and throwing tantrums, then girls, growing up, would react exactly the same way! Therefore, seeing from childhood (both in movies and in real life) that women throw tantrums and become deeply unhappy because of a husband’s “infidelity,” they simply can’t react any other way. They weren’t taught to react differently; they never saw another reaction. Even now, sisters often say, “there are no happy women in polygyny; they all suffer.” SubhanAllah!
But Allah said:
مَا أَنْزَلْنَا عَلَيْكَ الْقُرْآنَ لِتَشْقَىٰ
We have not revealed the Quran to you ˹O Prophet˺ to cause you distress (20:2)
Just as we learn to practice the Sunnah, learn piety towards parents, learn good relations with neighbors, learn to forgive people, learn to be obedient wives, etc., we also need to change our attitude towards polygyny. We need to learn to be happy and react to it not with hysterics and unhappiness, but with calm and happiness. To be happy, it’s important to focus on what YOU receive from your husband. If you receive love, care, attention, and provision, then it’s pointless to look at who else receives these things from him. What difference does it make who else gets the same benefits as you? What difference does it make who else he spends his free time with? For your happiness, specifically, it doesn’t matter! Example: In stores, goods are for everyone; you don’t get angry that another person can also buy goods in the same store. And you don’t get angry at a friend who is friends with ten other sisters. But you get angry at your husband because you consider him your property. Now, imagine your husband is a store that you don’t own, or a friend who owes you nothing. It’s easier to learn to appreciate that way.
Once again: ONLY WHAT YOU RECEIVE FROM YOUR HUSBAND AND FROM THE MARRIAGE AS A WHOLE IS IMPORTANT. And if you are GRATEFUL for what you receive, then you will surely be happy, by the will of Allah.
مَنْ عَمِلَ صَالِحًا مِّن ذَكَرٍ أَوْ أُنثَىٰ وَهُوَ مُؤْمِنٌ فَلَنُحْيِيَنَّهُ حَيَاةً طَيِّبَةً وَلَنَجْزِيَنَّهُمْ أَجْرَهُم بِأَحْسَنِ مَا كَانُوا يَعْمَلُونَ
Whoever does good, whether male or female, and is a believer, We will surely bless them with a good life, and We will certainly reward them according to the best of their deeds.(16:97)
A good life in this world!
